updated 7-31-07
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
We have never been what you would call spiritual giants, but
we did get married hoping for God’s presence in our lives and in our family. We
surely haven’t done it right all the time, but it seems like we did make an
effort. Today, however, I don’t feel connected to my husband, and I definitely
don’t feel a spiritual connection to him.
Those were the words of a Christian wife
who told me her story after speaking one day. Her marriage wasn’t on the rocks,
but she was realizing that they had become so busy with kids, mortgages, work,
school, and so many other things that they were missing the spiritual connection
that she hoped for when they first got married. Other couples tell me that they
didn’t have much of a spiritual bent when they got married. Regardless of where
you are at as a couple in the spiritual intimacy department, there is probably
room for growth. For the majority of people, spiritual intimacy is perhaps the
least developed area of their marital relationship.
Jesus described marriage on a very spiritual level: A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together (Matthew 19:5). It’s very possible that those verses were read at your wedding. And for most of us, those words would be the desire of our hearts. When you look at this beautiful statement, isn’t that what you would hope for in your relationship? A man and woman leave their parents to become united. They become literally one flesh. You and your mate are definitely two individuals, but if you are like most people, you have a desire to become more intimate emotionally, physically, and yes, even spiritually.
Jesus’ words “Let no one separate” expresses our desire for God’s presence to be in our relationship. But to want something and to have it, are two different things. We may desire a spiritual connection as a couple, but sadly it is usually the least developed area of the relationship. It takes time, open communication, humility, grace, and a desire for spiritual growth for any couple to grow together spiritually. Even then, there are major blocks we must overcome to achieve it. It goes back to one of the main themes running through this entire book, and that is intentionality. Before we can put much of a plan together, we have to look briefly at a few of the things that can block our spiritual intimacy. They aren’t that much different from what blocks other types of intimacy.
Roadblocks to Growing Together Spiritually
Growing together spiritually is not our natural bent. Most people had very few role models in this area; maybe their own parents’ marriage was less than helpful in setting an example. And of course, even with good role models and knowing what we should do in terms of building spiritual intimacy, we often let other less-important things get in the way. My wife and I have attended several marriage enrichment seminars (and I haven’t passed one yet!) And while all of them were good too often something gets in the way to prevent meaningful growth.
Before you create your own plan that will work for you, you’ll have to ask this question: What is holding us back as a couple? Some people can answer that question easily, while others just don’t know how to get past some of the roadblocks. If you know exactly what to do, then skip this part and move on to creating a plan to grow closer together and connect on a deeper level spiritually. If you aren’t sure why you seem to be blocked, read on!
Busyness
Busyness is perhaps the main issue to
blocking intimacy of all kinds—especially spiritual intimacy. When most couples
are in the beginning days of their marriage they have high hopes that they will
have a deep, connected spiritual life together. However, don’t assume it will
happen just because you want it to happen.
Many couples feel it necessary that both work outside the home. Many work staggered schedules so that one can be home with the children. But those conflicting schedules often strain the bonds of marriage. Timing is everything – so give quality time to your mate and your children. Some people are naturally night-owls while others are revving their engines at 6 AM. Find your comfort zone as a couple and give your relationship the time it needs to unite you spiritually as well as physically. Too many couples need to admit that personal schedules and vocational schedules are just too demanding and hectic. Healthy relationships require intentionality to enhance both spiritual and physical intimacy.
Why is it that many couples can feel closer on a vacation or a church retreat? There really is a simple answer to that question: We slow down and focus on each other. Somehow we have to figure it out in the midst of our life and make it a priority and part of our everyday routine.
Low-Level Anger
If we are honest about our relationship with our mate, it is very easy to have at least low-level anger at all times. You can be angry at your mate and children 24/ 7/365, but that is a choice you make. Relationships are bumpy. Without good communication and healthy conflict resolutions we build up resentments and minor irritations that escalate more than they should. Pretty soon we are carrying around a whole lot of baggage called anger, annoyance, fury, as well as other resentments. When these issues are left to boil, it is very difficult to come together spiritually.
The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). That’s good and right advice. However, sometimes it’s easier with the big concerns that are more obvious. We have a tendency to let the little annoyances simmer and build up into what become larger-than-life issues because we don’t deal with them right away.
One couple told me that they have had to learn to pray together even if they are angry. First, they try to deal with the conflict. If they still can’t get resolution, then they take a moment, hold hands, and pray together. The only rule is that they can’t preach at each other in their prayers. Low-level anger can put the spiritual fires out as quickly as anything else.
Lack of Forgiveness
When your mate has done something against you and you are unable to forgive him or her, you are blocking spiritual intimacy. Forgiveness is a necessary ingredient for a right relationship with both God and your mate. We live in a society that has taught us to have conditional love, and that kind of love harbors a lack of forgiveness. This may be a major issue for your relationship; if you can’t resolve it, you probably won’t grow spiritually.
Ted had what he called an “emotional affair” with a co-worker. He and the co-worker had lost their boundaries and they were definitely violating their values. Finally one night he came clean with his wife. He told her everything and told her he needed help. During the crisis, his wife was wonderful. She was understanding, firm, helpful, and supportive. Ted got the help he needed, and the co-worker ended up changing jobs. Two marriages were saved, and the potential heartbreak for the children and families of both couples was averted.
However, during a counseling session as a couple, Ted’s wife told of her ongoing struggle. She had been through so much, and she had done a great job. She wanted to talk because she still wasn’t connecting with Ted spiritually. As the counselor listen he began to see that she had never forgiven Ted for abandoning her emotionally. Ted had asked for forgiveness from both God and his wife, and it looked like he had truly repented of his behavior. Although she wanted to forgive him, she was still harboring a lack of mercy. Her resentment was affecting their relationship, especially their spiritual intimacy.
As much as Ted was in the wrong, it was his wife who would have to deal with her lack of forgiveness in order for their relationship to grow. Most of the time, this kind of situation is not a quick fix. It often takes seeking out some counseling from a minister or Christian counselor to work through all the issues.
But it was important to their marriage that Ted’s wife be willing to do what it took to find forgiveness in her heart. Only then could they hope to flourish in the area of spiritual intimacy.
Lack of Respect
Isn’t it amazing that two fairly normal and actually pretty nice people can get married and treat each other like complete idiots? Someone once said, “If you took all the problems in your neighborhood and threw them out in the street, after sifting through them, you would probably pick up your own problems and take them back home with you.” No one would disagree with the biblical statement “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
Marriage brings out both the best in us ... and the worst. Your mate knows you at your very worst, as well as your best. Your mate has every reason not to respect you and call you a hypocrite. Every married person can say the same about his or her mate. Perhaps your mate has some major issues, such as addictions, and it is very difficult to respect their behavior. I am not telling you to look the other way in major issues like that. But in the general areas of human frailty we need to overlook a lot if we want to grow together spiritually. It doesn’t take perfection to achieve spiritual intimacy—it takes transparency and integrity. You can still respect people without approving of their sin. The biblical term grace means unmerited favor. God gives us grace, and we in turn should give it to our mate.
The Jews brought a woman to Jesus who was caught engaging in adultery. No doubt she was deeply ashamed as they discussed her fate in her presence. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the very act of adultery. The Law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stones!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust. When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to her, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more” (John 8:4–11).
Jesus treated this woman who had definitely been caught in serious sin with amazing respect. He knew the law and did not gloss over her transgression. But he did not look down on her or treat her with scorn. His respect, gentleness, and mercy (while still admonishing her to leave this kind of behavior behind) is a good model for us as we interact with our mate. Unlike Jesus, we can’t afford to be too smug as we point out other people’s faults since we are just as guilty as they are. If we are serious about building spiritual intimacy in our marriage we need to be careful. If we demonstrate a lack of respect and disdain for our partner we’ll forfeit the gains we are seeking.
Spiritual Warfare
I don’t know about you, but I believe there is a spiritual battle that takes place for the soul of every marriage. Satan opposes spiritual growth in couples for obvious reasons. I can’t speak for Satan, but I believe he never hesitates to go for the jugular, which is your marriage. Sure the power of evil brings sin into our lives, but Satan also does something else that is more subtle: He causes a couple to settle for a lack of spiritual intimacy. He knows there is heavenly power against him that can pay dividends for generations to come when a couple walks together spiritually!
The Bible is clear: “Greater is He who is in you
than he who is in the world” (1
Intentionality is the key. What is your plan? Most couples not only do not have a plan to grow together toward spiritual intimacy ... they don't even talk about it. Often it is a back-burner topic at best.
Yet many married individuals have this yearning, “I wish my mate and I were closer spiritually.” It’s not going to happen without a plan. It will best be done with “baby steps.” It is very rare for a relationship to move from lacking spiritually to strong growth overnight. It takes nurturing and pruning over time to have a beautiful garden; in the same way, it takes time and careful cultivation to grow toward spiritual intimacy. And it won’t happen by osmosis. It will happen when one or both of you start by planting the seeds of spiritual growth.
You can start the process by praying daily for your mate and your relationship. Paul’s advice to Timothy was to “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Timothy 4:7). I’m not talking about hours of prayer, but simply a daily time (however short) to pray for your mate. Give your relationship to God. Pray for the needs of your mate and seek God’s will for how you can serve them. Even this one simple act of daily disciplined prayer for your mate will make a difference. As you pray, look for an opportunity to create a plan. The old adage “Fail to plan, plan to fail” is so true when couples desire to experience spiritual growth together.
Pray Together
If your mate is open to it, pray together daily. If your mate is not very spiritually motivated, then keep prayer very short and do it at a meal or another time that seems less intimidating. I know one couple who started praying together every day with the wife simply saying, “God, thank you for our food. Thank you for the children. Thank you so much for Jack. Help us to be a God-honoring couple and family. Amen.”
One day, after months of that prayer, Jack said, “Let me pray, too.” He said, “God, I’m not much of a pray-er but I agree with Janet, and thanks for Janet’s heart for you. Amen, again!” After a while the kids got involved too. After a year Jack and Janet were feeling more comfortable praying together.
A preacher made an amazing statement one day in church. He said, “I have never seen one couple go through with a divorce after praying together, on their knees, every day for a month.” Praying together is the glue that binds our hearts together and focuses us on God’s power in our marriage and family. The mistake some couples make is that they start with goals that are too high, and they expect too much too soon. Praying together is a bit like going to the gym. We may be excited about getting started on a physical fitness program, but the long-lasting results happen only after time and discipline.
The Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Paul Tournier wrote, It is only when a husband and wife pray together before God that they find the secret of true harmony: that the difference in their temperaments, their ideas, and their tastes enriches their home instead of endangering it. When each of the marriage partners seeks quietly before God to see his own faults, recognizes his sin, and asks for the forgiveness of the other, marital problems are no more. They learn to become absolutely honest with each other. This is the price to be paid if partners very different from each other are to combine their gifts instead of setting them against each other.
Praying together can bring about spiritual intimacy and it can also restore a broken marriage. Praying together can strengthen a marriage that is lacking in communication and intimacy. It is certainly worth a try. The saying is true: “Couples, who pray together, stay together.”
Worship Together Regularly
As already mentioned, the Scripture teaches us that the Lord inhabits the praises of his people (Psalm 22:3). If you want the Lord to inhabit your relationship, then a natural ingredient is worshiping together. Unfortunately, some couples don’t have the benefit of worshiping together. Perhaps one works or just won’t go to church. This is an area to keep on your prayer list; look for ways to find meaning together when you can.
I know of a husband who agreed to go to church with his wife once a month. Instead of nagging or condemning about the other three weeks, she made a big deal out of that one morning a month by serving fun food and turning it into a pleasurable event. Within the year he was going most Sundays. Today, after many years, he is a leader in their church. Set the tone for a good experience. Pray for God’s Spirit to inhabit your worship.
Develop a Regular Spiritual Growth Time Together
It isn’t easy to discipline yourselves as a couple to spend regular time together focusing on your spirituality. Even though Cathy and I speak and write on this subject, we have struggled throughout the thirty-one years of our marriage in this area. We have tried reading books together and doing Bible study booklets. We have listened to CDs and watched videos together on spiritual growth. We have tried to have a daily time and a weekly time to focus on our spiritual growth. Like so many others, it hasn’t always worked for us.
Sometimes the reasons were found in the list of blocks to spiritual growth found earlier in this chapter. We always meant well, but it just didn’t seem to last. Finally we found something that worked for us. We call it our Weekly Time. It’s really rather simple, and for some it may be too short, but it has worked for us. We have shared it with thousands of people and some are now actually more faithful at it than we are. It started from our need to focus together spiritually, but we didn’t want to just do another Bible study or devotional. Both Cathy and I are disciplined with our own daily devotional time, and adding one more devotional as a couple just wasn’t working. That’s when we came up with the following.
Time With Other Couples
You will notice that a common theme in what is called the “temptation narratives” in the Bible is isolation. Even when Satan tempted Jesus, he took Him to the wilderness and isolated Him from other people. Far too many couples are isolated from any other replenishing relationships. Who has access to your life as a couple? I believe we need at least three types of spiritual and relational accountability. We need mentors, peer support, and whenever possible, we need to be mentoring other couples. Do you have mentors in your life as a couple? If you don’t have a mentor couple, I suggest you begin to talk about who might help motivate you to grow spiritually and through their lives show you how to be more effective in your marriage and family.
Suggested Reading
Creating an Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns, c 2006, Minneapolis, Bethany House Publishers.
I Promise: How 6 Essential Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage by Gary Smalley, c 2006, Nashville, Integrity Publishers
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, c 2006, Chicago, Northfield Publishers
COMMITMENT AND DEDICATION
Dr. Scott Stanley is the director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. He is a Christian researcher, teacher and clinician who defines commitment in two ways. First, he says, commitment involves constraints. Constraints are those forces that keep you and your mate together: kids, in-laws, money, friends, value systems, faith, even the threat of a divorce. But the constraint aspect of commitment is not strong enough to keep couples together and happily married forever. For that, Stanley says, a couple must also have dedication. Couples with dedication not only plan to stay together, they have a constantly evolving plan to stay together. They rededicate themselves to each other regularly through planning events and talking about the future.
If you're interested in discovering more on this important topic, read Dr. Stanley's book on this, The Heart of Commitment. For now, here's a guideline for you to recharge your mate's need for a lifetime together, a way for you to implement your dedication and show your commitment to your relationship:
Emotional intimacy in marriage is classified in levels ranging from 1 to 5 with 1 being shallow and 5 being the deepest level. Commitment and dedication require couples to move into levels 4 and 5. This requires them to deeply listen to each other, not defending their own opinions, but striving to love, understand, and validate each other's feelings and needs.
Commitment and dedication require couples to agree to highly value each other and consider each other as more important than anything else on earth, except their relationship with God. If gold could describe our honor for each other, we would each be married to a 24-carat person.
Frequent and ample communication with each other is essential for building commitment and dedication. This is accomplished by speaking to each other by sharing truthful loving information and listening carefully to understand and validate each other's uniqueness. Everyday conversations will include the safety necessary to share opinions, concerns, and expectations.
Dedicated and committed couples agree never to go to sleep at night without resolving major differences or conflicts. Marriage is about mutuality and forgiveness given appropriately and generously.
Couples who have moved into this deeper relationship find creative ways to meet each other's deepest relational needs. As the relationship matures and changes, dedicated couples will strive to stay current with their understanding of each other's needs and ways of meeting those needs.
How do you recharge your mate’s needs? Here are some guidelines:
Express your lifetime commitment in words. Print it on a plaque, say it with gifts, or just plain say it. "I will be with you forever and keep loving you until death do us part." Write a poem and print it for the whole family to see.
Become a student of your mate. Find out all you can about who she or he is. What are your mate's favorite foods, activities, clothes, dreams? Treasure your mate's special differences
When conflict arises, employ the three skills that can take you to the deepest level of intimacy. Write down how you plan to implement each of these skills in your relationship. This requires placing honor of the relationship over issues. Involve yourselves in active listening by devoting 20 minutes per day in the areas in which your mate needs your care and attention.
Another type of commitment that couples need from one another is a willingness to keep searching for solutions to problems between them. Thousands of couples have expressed the need to feel that each has a working plan to resolve personal problems or conflicts. Here are some steps:
Suggested Reading
Fighting For your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love by Howard Markham, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, c1994, San Francisco, Jossey-Bass Publishers
QUOTE ON MARRIAGE
There is not one marriage
in today's culture that is not vulnerable. Why? Because we've allowed the
culture to seep into our souls. ... Clearly we can no longer pattern our
marriages after the people around us -- if we ever could. Not only does the
world not know how to divorce-proof its marriages, it is well on the way to
making broken relationships the norm!
-- Dr. Fred Lowery